Crimes of Grindelwald Causes Crisis of Faith in Local Harry Potter Fan

“Who even am I”

Jen Sutland was just a regular Harry Potter fan. She did all the things that Harry Potter fans do; relate every experience through the lens of a children’s book series, sort every human into existence into meaningless fictional school houses, and just generally call people who disagreed with her a muggle. 

However, after making the trek to the cinema to check out the latest entry in JK Rowling’s Wizarding World, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, Sutland has undergone a crisis of faith. 

RELATED: FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD IS HOT GARBAGE – FANTASTIC FOOLS PODCAST

“I guess the writing was on the wall with Cursed Child, but I was too blind to see it”, said a tearful Sutland earlier today. 

“The movie is set in 1927 and there’s a McGonagall cameo! She’s not meant to be born until the mid 1930’s! I mean, if JK isn’t going to actually give a shit about the stuff she puts on Pottermore, then why should I? Plus the whole Johnny Depp thing, and Nagini, I… just… can’t anymore”

The symptoms of falling out of love with Harry Potter are as varied as they are devastating. Jen has thrown away her replica gowns, cancelled her planned 15th re-read and even started engaging with political discussion of a critical level.  

Sutland is currently searching for a new pop culture item to base her whole identity around, but she’s not having much love. Though its quality is undeniable, Rick & Morty has unfortunately been co-opted by the alt-right, and the Star Wars fandom isn’t doing any better. 

RELATED: “NORMALLY I’M A BIG HARRY POTTER FAN, BUT…”, STAMMERS NERVOUS REVIEWER

“I’m so lost, I don’t know what to think anymore. I can’t even decide what Hogwarts house the new senators would be in, who am I?”

Jen is one of many going through this phase, and the bad news is that she still has three more Fantastic Beasts movies to sit through, and she can’t just not see them, can she?


Want more Fantastic Beasts? Listen to the Fantastic Fools Podcast discuss all the highs and lows of the Crimes of Gridelwald. Available now on iTunes, Spotify, or by clicking the player below

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